daydreamer;

Well I guess it’s best to air out my feelings now that I actually have time.

I honestly think I’ll never be happy or satisfied with anything in my life. Nothing I do is good enough, hell I’m not good enough.

I honestly think that that I make unrealistic aspirations. For example I want to go to school out of state but my grades are mediocre (could be so much better), and I have no college fund.

Sometimes I actually think I won’t even make it to college.

Oh and that leads me to another thing, I’m beginning to think I’m not as smart as I thought I was, everything in school should come easy to me and it isn’t and that pisses me off to no end. I hate that I’m struggling, and I hate that I actually have to put in extra effort.  Scratch the first thing I just said, it’s not that I’m not as smart as I thought I was, I’m just a plain flat out dumb ass.

I’m not pretty, not even decent, or ‘okay’ looking and I refuse to tell myself that I am because every time I face the mirror I see the exact opposite.

I hate my weight, I’ve stopped stressing over it now, but honestly on the inside I want to be thin and I envy people who have fast metabolisms. If I didn’t love food so damn much I’d probably be bulimic or anorexic.

I will probably be alone for the rest of my life, and I’ve felt this way for a long time. I think the only opportunity I’ll ever get to be in a relationship with a guy is if I sell myself short, or become some one else’s last resort and I absolutely refuse to do that. Therefore I’ll probably be forever lonely. I’m also really picky, which is pretty ridiculous considering how I look.

I actually wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend right now, but like I stated before that’s pretty much out of my reach. If I could get some one to see past the way I look though, I think I’d be okay. But that’ll never happen

I actually kind of do want to go to my senior prom, but I won’t go because I look like a man in a dress, and a drag queen with make up, I won’t dance, and half the shit I’ll wear that night I’ll never wear again so it’s pretty much a waste of time and money on top of an embarrassment.

I’m still holding back and refraining from being myself 100% of the time, and I haven’t figured out if this is a good or bad thing yet.

Lately I’ve been reaching out to other people and helping them out, it feels good but is it bad that deep inside I’m waiting for karma to return the favor to me?

Negative thinking is bad, but old habits die hard and with the way things in my life are going right now, positive thinking won’t change a damn thing.

No matter how hard I try to avoid doing it, and change it, I always tend to refrain from buying clothes I really want, because I feel that I won’t look good in them or that I’m not good enough to wear it.

man its been a minute tumblr.